Parents can do a lot to defuse sibling rivalry.

Oh the things we learn, once our kids grow up and talk candidly about their past.

I just now heard about an early morning incident between two of my children. It seems the younger one—a first-grade boy at the time—was called back from the school bus stop to retrieve a forgotten item. (Not an unusual event, by the way.)

“What did she want?” his older sister asked when he returned.

“Oh, she just wanted to tell me she likes me best,” he casually replied.

His sister—who was nobody’s fool—regarded that remark with a healthy skepticism. But 18 years later, she confides with a laugh, “Some part of me always worried he was telling the truth.”

Watch Me. No, ME!
No parent wants to fuel the fires of sibling rivalry. I mean, really, is anything harder than seeing the family we adore fighting one another?

Yet I suspect this struggle for first place in their parents’ affections is at the heart of most sibling scuffles. Experts say sibling rivalry is a normal response when children feel they are getting unequal amounts of our attention, discipline, or resources.

Stress can also escalate sibling rivalries. Stress in the parents’ lives can decrease the amount of attention parents give. Stress in childrens’ lives—even from causes as simple as hunger, boredom or fatigue—can shorten their fuses, and create more conflict.

The good news is that most childrens’ relationships will eventually develop into close ones. Plus, working things out with siblings gives children a chance to learn to cooperate and see another person’s point of view.

What’s A Parent To Do?
With a little help from parents and other caring adults, children can learn to get along better and work through conflicts in positive ways. Here are some ideas from the University of Michigan Health System.

• Set aside “alone time” for each child. Try to get in at least a few minutes each day. It’s amazing how much even just 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your child. Listen—really listen—to how your children feel about what’s going on in the family. They might not be so demanding if they know you care how they feel.

• Focus on the positives of each child’s personality and interests. It’s okay to treat children differently; it’s not okay to constantly compare children to one another.

• Be fair—but don’t fall into the trap of making everything equal. Treat each child according to his or her own unique needs.

• Pay attention to the time of day and type of settings in which conflicts usually occur. Perhaps a change in the routine, an

• Think cooperation instead of competition. For example, rather than having children race each other to pick up toys, set a timer and have them race together to beat the clock. Try to find at least one thing every day that kids can work together to accomplish.

• Look for opportunities for children to help each other. Even very young children can bring diapers, cuddle a sad toddler, or push the stroller. Make at least one weekly chore a team effort.

• Plan for family fun. Sharing good experiences together acts as a buffer when children face conflict. It’s easier to make peace with someone you share warm memories with.

In the end, time itself is probably the best cure for sibling rivalry. Eventually, our kids stop competing with one another. They find their own talents, activities, and interests, and they show that they are separate from their siblings.

And they come to terms with the fact that even if they are not “the favorite,” their parents have plenty of love and resources to go around.

Despite the seeds of rivalry planted by a sly little brother, our now-grown children get along just fine. The whole gang gathered over the holidays to welcome him home from his out-of-state job. I saw lots of laughter, no fights, and no jockeying for position.

They saw no point, really. There’s a new grandkid in town, and there’s no competing with her kind of charm.

Take 30
Take 30 seconds to stop, look and listen. This helps you get a better idea of what kids are fighting over.

Take the next 30 seconds to think about how you should respond to the situation.

Thirty seconds doesn’t seem like very long, but you will be amazed at how it helps you to keep your cool and take charge in an effective way.

Source: National Network for Child Care-NNCC. Oesterreich, L. (1996). “Getting Along: Brothers and Sisters” [Pm 1652]. Ames, IA: Iowa State University Extension.